this is the first time im typing this at home.. with no one around me at all.. sometimes i like the silence in the house.. but sometimes i hate it when im alone and ignored.. i dunno why will i have such conflicting feelings and i really hate it.. yest was the first time i quarrelled with baby. to me. it was one of the worst times that i ever felt in my life cos i not only hurt myself, i also hurt the person that i loved the most.. im so glad everything is over becos baby is ever so understanding.. i know he is very hurt but he is still strong n tells me that we jus let everything as it is and sees how is it. thank u darling. after putting down the phone.. i tot to myself ddeeply. how did i cry? why did i flare a little? why did i wan to compare? i realy dunno. is the knot within me really that bad? i knoe that knot in me is untying really soon.. i know my fear is disappearing soon. all becos of someone that has made my life so bright. so happy... i dunno how to tell baby that all these d=fears come from this little girl who has a perfect vision of a couple who doesnt have a single problem with each other at all.. but somehow this ideal vision jus crashed in front of her when reality shows the ugly side of things... the most perfect guy in the world, her dad did a mistake that somehow crashed her dreams of finding the nicest guy on earth who would never cheat a woman.. but sadly, her dad did that. looking at how sad and strong her mum has to be, her heart really breaks and she was really afraid that the same thing would happen to her. she couldnt belive that the nicest guy could ever do such a mean thing to a lady..
""lucky" for her, she tot she found a most perfect guy who seems to be everything in this world. she trusted him and belived that he is the one.. but jus one week after a three month rtn, this guy jus msged her at the highest point of time after she won a canoe competition and told her that they are better off as frens. she never knows whats the problem til now. but she knows that the high pride she has in herself is flattened to minus zero and the trust she has in guys is way below til she cant find any trust at all.. becos of that, she became so disgusted with guys and never trust them at all. she told herself that she wanted to be a nun forever and ever til she really found a guy whom she can really trust..its a conflicting thinking that she has but somehow deep in her she still belives that there is one perfect guy. in reality, there were such good guys around her. its because of these guys that realy make her smile and not give up in life..this girl gets on with life and true enough, she found another guy whom she tot she can trust again. but sadly, this guy is too "nice". he cant forget his first and has to break up with her again... this makes the girl really wondered.. what wrong with her? what wrong with the guys in the world? now, her trust for guys is hopeless. so hopeless that she doesnt know who else can help her.. though she knows someone in this world whom she know could help.. but ultimately, its all up to her to untie the last knot all by herself. in a twist of fate, she really got together with the guy whom she has always respect and admire from far... her trust with guys really increased and she really got so much happier than before.. til now, she really thinks she is the luckiest girl but she doesnt know how to tell out to her bf who much he has done for her... she knows despite all that her bf has done for her, she still has to untie the knot she has for herself.. she is trying hard and she knows she will.. jus give her a little bit more time ya.. its all in her mind and soul jus to forget about all trust in guys and everything... thank you baby.. thank you....................